vespertine_nsw

Hi group,

I am experiencing some internal conflict. I'm a feminist who's very passionate about women's rights and I do a fair amount of reading on the subject (both Australian and international.) I have also come out of an abusive relationship so am sensitive and personally connected to issues like domestic violence. I want my children to develop a healthy feminist critique and to be aware and to care about the abuse of women's rights (and to care about it), but I also want to be a fun parent, and I want our home life to be fun and positive.

I am wondering how to balance this. My children are still young, but as they get older, what are appropriate ways to approach these subjects? Right now I am doing the obvious things like encouraging them to persue what they enjoy, not what society deems appropriate for their sex, being aware of my language, ensuring they have access to a wide range of books, toys and clothes that don't perpetuate stereotypes.

But I sway between feeling anger and a criticism (of concepts and attitudes) as healthy and important, then wondering if they're counter-intuitive to creating a warm, happy nest which I want for them. I would like some tips, if anyone has any, on helping them develop a social conscience and the passion to change things, without me coming across as a negative, cynical person. I guess it's also about being genuine, speaking honestly, but doing it in age appropriate ways and ways that won't stifle their optimism and joy.

Thanks in advance,
Kerrie from Australia.

claire.horsley08

I am a committed vegetarian, but I buy and cook organic meat for my kids because I don't want my personal ideology to override their enjoyment of and need for good quality protein. In the same way, I don't think you should try to make your kids passionate about the same issues you hold dear. If you live a principled life, your kids will respect your integrity, but they won't necessarily take up the same cause. After all, it was a specific set of circumstances (including what must have been a horrible experience of domestic violence) that led you to hold the values you hold. Your kids' experiences will be different, and so with your example they may come to be passionate about an issue equally as important as women's rights.

The key here is that although you can guide children as they develop their own moral framework, ultimately they will only become passionate about something they have chosen themselves.

Robyn L. Coburn

<<<<I'm a feminist who's very passionate about women's rights and I do a
fair amount of reading on the subject (both Australian and international.)
>>>>

You might enjoy reading a couple of essays by Danielle Conger where she
writes about her definitely feminist beliefs in the context of being an
unschooling mom.
http://danielleconger.organiclearning.org/myjourney.html

<<< I am doing the obvious things like encouraging them to persue what they
enjoy, not what society deems appropriate for their sex, being aware of my
language, ensuring they have access to a wide range of books, toys and
clothes that don't perpetuate stereotypes.>>>>

Having a daughter gave me a much greater appreciation for the "nature" side
of that supposedly old question of nature vs nurture. She is such a girly
girl in her attitudes and desires and tastes.

I have no fear of any outside (ie outside our family) force of the media or
our culture that might be perpetuating stereotypes impacting Jayn in any
significant way. Not only do I believe that I am stronger than these, and
that my dd is stronger than these, I also believe that our family is
stronger. There is no product, image, toy, item, story, tv show, movie, or
philosophy that is stronger than us and our own principles and how Jayn is
treated in our home.

Chances are that any time I feel called to expound a critique of some
product, idea, see-the-list-above, I am met with eye rolling and either "I
know" or "I don't care." Jayn doesn't see the negativity of a world filled
with stereotypes or dangers to be avoided.

I have found it better to focus on what is positive and good and interesting
about stuff, than on trying to avoid some idea.

<<<< I sway between feeling anger and a criticism (of concepts and
attitudes) as healthy and important, then wondering if they're
counter-intuitive to creating a warm, happy nest which I want for them. >>>

I would say that anger is always counter-*productive* to a warm, happy nest.
Peace, warmth, happiness, calm begin in the home.

Robyn L. Coburn
www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
www.allthingsdoll.blogspot.com

Joyce Fetteroll

On Sep 16, 2009, at 5:44 PM, vespertine_nsw wrote:

> I would like some tips, if anyone has any, on helping them develop
> a social conscience and the passion to change things, without me
> coming across as a negative, cynical person.

Don't make it about changing them. Make it about you. Follow your
passions as you can without depriving them. Talk about what's
important to you when it comes up.

Invite them along if you're doing something you think they might
enjoy helping with.

My husband does sports programs for seniors and for visually impaired
kids. He invited Kathryn along when he thought it might be fun for
her and when she could give him some real help. But there was no
agenda to get her to believe anything or be anything other than who
she was. The goal was to do something together that she might find
fun and ways for her to feel her time was well spent.

Joyce

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