Soothing a frustrated child
and avoiding frustration in the first place
A mom of younger kids asked on a discussion list:
I think what *I* am wanting, and maybe the other mom too, is how to
with things when we (we, as in the adults) make mistakes.
Pam Sorooshian replied:
There is no magic button you can push—no magic words you can say.
If you've already gotten yourselves into a situation, then you can be
super sympathetic and resolve the situation as quickly as possible.
Like, if you suddenly realize that walking around in toys-r-us is
overwhelming and now she's having a meltdown, then get yourself
really calm and soft and squat down at her level and don't look tense
and keep your voice gentle and say soothing things. And—don't ask
questions at that time—it adds to the frustration because the poor
kid is already on overload and now you're expecting her to think
clearly about what it is she wants? Be honest and sympathetic - say,
"Oh gosh, this place is kind of overwhelming. Let's go out and get
lunch or ice cream or something, for now, and maybe come back when
they aren't so busy." If she screams, "NOOOOO I don't want to go,"
then you can move on, very gently, with, "Oh, okay, then let's go
look at the dolls for a while." In other words, you offer - don't
ask. Then your response is based on her reaction. Try to develop your
own interpersonal intelligence as much as you can - try to think from
her point of view, try to offer what you think would help her be more
The other mom:
I know that I
need to be more observant and I am working my best at that. AND I am
getting better, but meltdowns still happen (just much less than
to). What I really need to know is what I can do when the meltdown
is in progress. I asked Lil if she wanted to leave, but of course she
she doesn't always know the words to express what is wrong.
Just from your post, I felt like you're pressuring her (not meaning
to) and that might be some of the source of her frustration. I'm
picturing a combination of you not thinking ahead well enough and you
expecting her to be able to think ahead too well. Like, you might ask
her, "Do you want to go to Toys-R-Us?" and she says, "Yes," and you
just take that as a complete answer. But you're the mom, you have to
think deeper - why does she want to go, what is SHE thinking it will
be like, when is a good time for her to be there, will she want to
sit in the cart or run around, is she thinking that "go" means "buy
toys" or maybe "play with toys?" You have to think about "her" - the
real child and what she can handle.
The other Mom:
And, below, you say maybe you're asking the wrong questions—I think
maybe you're onto something there, but that it is that you're asking
too much of her. I think maybe you're just asking too many questions.
Think more in terms of offering, supporting, encouraging—less in
terms of "asking" her to decide or choose. I think you'll find that
reduced her frustration levels.
Maybe I am not asking the wrong questions. I know what I am doing
is the wrong way to deal with things. What I struggle with is having a
available for when *I* make mistakes. Does that make sense?
Yes. So—from now on, before you go somewhere, have some ideas in
mind. BEFORE you even bring it up to her, think, "Okay, thinking
about going to Toys-R-Us—that means a series of possible
activities—(1) getting ready and maybe interrupting ongoing
activities (2) car ride (3) time in the store (4) needing to leave
the store (5) time spent in line (6) car ride afterward. You have to
consider each of those —play out a couple of scenarios in your head
for each so you have some options in mind before you even bring it up
Toys-R-Us is a pretty big deal stressful activity for a young child—
took a fairly large amount of preparation—I might say: "I'm wanting
to go to Toys-R-Us and here is what I have in mind—going in about
an hour, eating a sandwich before we go, getting dressed in pants and
shirt and shoes, listening to our new Beatles cd in the car on the
way, you can sit in the cart or walk around the store and look at
toys and help me pick something out for your cousin's birthday
present, if you find something you want to buy that costs less than
$5 we can buy that, too. Does that all sound okay to you?"
The child might have something to say about all this—"Mom, can we
have turkey sandwiches?" or "I want to sit in the cart." Or whatever—me listing what I have in mind, what I'm picturing happening, is an
invitation for her to add to it or object to parts of it, but mostly
it means we are less likely to get into a situation where we have
very different expectations.
Based on past experience, with my middle child, I would also have
said, "This is one of those stores that can be totally overwhelming,
so if you start to feel like that, just say so and we'll cut it short."
IF she had a meltdown in Toys-R-Us, I would figure out what the
problem was and learn from it in order not to bring it about again.
Generalize to other similar situations. Did I not feed her enough
before we left so she was a little hungry? Then next time, bring some
crackers or cheese or granola bars or something along for her to
munch on in the car on the way. Was it too much to expect her to help
shop for toys for another child? Then eliminate that problem by not
asking her to do it again—or maybe let her pick out something for
herself at the same time. And so on.
She might be, like me, really sensitive to the sound in big stores
and shopping malls—that horrible "echo" kind of sound creates a lot
of stress in me—over a period of half an hour the stress builds up
and it is like I start not being able to think, all I can do is sort
of protect my brain from that background sound. I get cranky, short-
tempered, really really tired. I've mentioned this to people who
claim they don't even know what "sound" I'm talking about—so
obviously it doesn't affect everyone the same way. I like the "idea"
of going shopping—hanging out with my friends or daughters and
looking, together, at clothes and things, but the reality of it, for
me, is not at all comfortable.
So—YOU have to figure this out—you are like a detective in a way,
or a psychiatrist, trying to understand what your own child is like
based on all the clues/evidence. You come to understand how she is
experiencing the world, and then you try to support her in ways that
work best for her.
Wanting an image for this page, I went to Just Add Light and Stir, looking for "soothing" and "Pam Sorooshian." This came up:
Process, not product|
A disposable art material, intended for playing but not for keeping, is playdough. It's not edible, it won't keep for years, and baking it makes it brittle without extra strength. It's not an investment in permanence, which can be therapeutic in itself for some people.
Æsthetically, it's nice for children. It starts off warm (starts off hot), feels good, and smells good, especially with some of the additives Pam Sorooshian recommends here. The play is soothing and easily shared, It can all be saved in ziploc bags for a while, and eventually thrown away.
Meanwhile, children can discover color combinations from mixing bits of different batches. They can experiment with making coil pots and little sculptures, or just generally squish the dough through their fingers. If your children are older, they might still have big fun. If your children are grown, you-the-mom (or dad) might find some unexpected entertainment yourself.
The recipe is at the link below, and other notes about things to do with young children are linked from there.
photo by Holly Dodd
Mothering During a Meltdown
Thoughts on Respect
more Pam Sorooshian