Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

Someone asked the following question at UnschoolingDiscussion, and Pam Sorooshian responded. Other responses and complementary ideas might eventually follow this, but Pam's advice involves building a relationship at a deep level between parents and children, and should be preserved!

> How do you go from a very verbally reactive person
> to one who takes a few moments to calm down before she speaks or
> acts? How do you change for good, and not just for days or
> moments? Practice, I guess? Any ideas?

Stop thinking about changing "for good and not just for days or moments." That is just another thing to overwhelm you and you don't need that!

It's getting easier!
I thought I'd share an incident that happened that let me know that I am growing in the unschooling philosophy.
I was running an errand and my husband was in charge of the kids (8 and 6). Actually, he was in the den watching t.v. and the kids were in the living room playing. When I got home, my daughter ran up to me and said, "Mommy! (Brother) did something naughty! Hurry and see!" My first thought was, "Oh, no. What did he do THIS time?" Well, my daughter led me to the living room and pointed at the big train table we have set up (it's one of those with the plain white formica type top. The kids use if for all kinds of toys, but usually NOT for trains!)
My son had drawn all over the top and even on the wood sides with a permanent marker! At first, my usual response began to erupt from my mouth, "Oh, Matthew!" (in a very dismayed voice) and then I noticed what I was thinking and how I was about to make my son feel horrible and afraid and guilty. I stopped for a second and really LOOKED at his drawings. They were totally awesome! He had drawn palm trees that looked really good and all sorts of ocean type things (he's into the Beach Boys and sharks right now). My son had run away as soon as I began to show the look of horror on my face. He was hiding around the corner and peeking to see what I was doing. I smiled at him and asked him to come tell me about his art work. He hesitantly came over and then, when he knew I wasn't going to yell at him, happily began explaining what all he had drawn.
After he was all finished telling me, I gently told him that he should probably talk to me or daddy first before drawing on something that isn't paper. I explained to him that permanent markers usually don't come off (I don't keep permanent markers out, but evidentally, my daughter had found one with my scrapbooking stuff and had it out while I was gone). All three of us worked at getting the marker off (which was nearly impossible—but finally we found nail polish remover worked). My son actually had fun cleanin*g it up and making it disappear. We never could get his name off the wood side, though!
Then I realized that I should have taken a picture of his beautiful art work. Drats! As we were cleaning, I thought about what he may have been thinking. He may have seen that big expanse of white and, since he loves to draw, he probably couldn't resist the urge. I wondered how I could help him meet his need to have a big area to draw. Then I remembered that we have a bunch of colored dry erase markers. I told my son that we would try a little of the dry erase markers on the table and see if they would clean up easily. It worked! So for the last two days, my son has been drawing an unbelievable mural on the train table using dry erase markers. It is a wonderful scene of shark fins coming out of an ocean. I've been taking pictures of his progress.
I just wanted to share that it is getting a little easier to stop some of the learned, automatic responses I usually have and replace them with more mindful thinking.
Melissa
(mhice on the AlwaysLearning list here)

Just change the next interaction you have with the kids.
Stop reading email right now and do something "preventative" - something that helps build your relationship with them. Fix them a little tray of cheese and crackers and take it to them, wherever they are, unasked. Sit down on the floor and play with them. If nothing else, just go and give each of them a little hug and a kiss and say, "I was just thinking about how much I love you."
Okay - so that is one good, positive interaction.
Again - just change the next interaction you have with the kids. Focus on making the next interaction another one that builds up your relationship. If the next one is because the kids are fighting, STILL keep in mind that you want this interaction to do something positive for your relationship with the kids and stretch your thinking as to how you can make that happen. In other words, you kind of think from their point of view about yourself. Consider what thoughts you want going through their head. Do you want them thinking: "She never takes time to even find out what the problem is?" Or, "She always blames me?" Or, "She's such a hypocrite, doesn't want to hear us yelling, but then she yells at us." "She hates me." And so on.
What do you want them to be thinking - what words (articulated or not) do want tumbling around inside their head? Maybe, "She understands how I feel." Or, "She really cares about helping us solve our problems." Or, "She is trying hard to be fair." Or, "She's calm even when I'm not." Or, "Mom is the best listener in the world." "Mom loves me even when I'm causing problems."
And, eventually, you want them to think like this?
"Mom will help us find a solution." "I can stay calm like mommy does even when I'm mad." "I can listen carefully like mommy does when there is a conflict." "I can recognize feelings, like mommy." "I can come up with new ideas, like mommy does when we have trouble."
There is no substitute for being authentically "there" for them — for genuinely trying to help them resolve problems. For putting your relationship with them at the forefront of every interaction, whether it is playing together or working together.
None of us are perfect — we'll all have some regrets. But with my kids 19, 16, and 13, I can now say that I will never say anything like, "I wish I'd let them fight it out more," or "I wish I'd punished them more," or "I wish I'd yelled at them more." I will only ever say that I wish I'd been more patient, more attentive, more calm and accepting of the normal stresses of having young children.
One interaction at a time. Just make the next interaction a relationship-building one. Don't worry about the one AFTER that, until IT becomes "the next one."
-pam
National Home Education Network
www.NHEN.org