Are you saying you're never using your own knowledge about what might
interest her, but waiting for her to take the initiative all the
time? That's too much waiting. I mean, just take the example of games
— there are LOTS of times that kids can't imagine how much fun a game
is going to be, just from looking at the box, for example. If YOU
know that she LOVED Candyland, then you might pick up Chutes and
Ladders because it is also likely to be fun for her — ou don't need
to wait for her to ask for it. She might never happen to see it and
might very likely never realize that it is a game she'd like a lot.
Or maybe she loves CLUE — she'd likely enjoy MASTERMIND — both
involve the same kind of logical thinking. So — how is she going to
know that?
I've heard of unschoolers who say they never bring home anything for
their kids, because they feel that puts subtle pressure on them to
learn what the parents are promoting. I say hogwash to that.
I
pick up stuff ALL the time — STILL do it and mine are 14, 18, and
almost 21. If I see an unusual fruit in the grocery store, I buy it
and take it home and put it on the table for others to notice. If a
kid is in the store with me I might say, "Oooh look at this. Let's
take it home and cut it open."
This is why some of us dislike the term "child-led" or "child-
directed" learning — unschooling is not child-led or child-directed
learning — that makes it sound like the parent should just be a
"follower." Not so — parents are active participants and part of the
job of an unschooling parent is to keep the child in mind and to fill
his/her life with just the right amount of interesting new
experience, chances to repeat experiences, down time, and so on.
The only way to make it "just right" is to offer and not coerce. If
you don't "offer" stuff/ideas/experiences, then the kids aren't going
to even know what's out there. If you push too much on them, they can
feel pressured and that their learning is being taken over by you.
It isn't all that tricky, though, when you live with a kid and pay
attention and care deeply — to keep that child in mind and provide
him/her with a pretty steady stream of options/possibilities/ideas/
stuff, etc. Invite and offer a lot — it is your job to create a
stimulating and interesting environment around her.
Pam Sorooshian
Below are some good responses, with expansions and 'embiggening' by Pam Sorooshian:
BIG:
Just live life!
BIGGER:
You might have to make a conscious attempt to be more curious and
more interesting, though.
BIG:
Take them grocery shopping -
BIGGER:
Right — but while you're there, look at the weirdest thing in the
produce department. Bright orange cactus? BUY one. Go home and get
online and try to figure out what to do with it. Or just slice it
open to see what is inside.
Or buy a coconut—shake it to see if it has liquid inside. Let the
kid pound on it with a hammer until it cracks open. While they're
doing that, do a quick google on coconuts so you have some background
knowledge. Don't "teach" them—but if something seems cool, just say
it as an interesting, cool thing to know, "Wow, coconuts are SEEDS!
And, oh my gosh, they sometimes float in the ocean for years before
washing up on some island and sprouting into a coconut tree."
How about a pineapple — bought one fresh, lately? Talked about
Hawaii? Just say, "Aloha," while handing the kids a slice. Or, maybe
you'll get really into the whole idea of Hawaii and you'll see
connections everywhere — Hawaiian shirts at the thrift store, flowers
to me leis, someone playing a ukelele, a video of a volcano exploding
(maybe that will inspire you to want to make your own volcano with
baking soda and vinegar).
I'm not saying to prepare a lesson on cactus or coconuts or
pineapples. I'm saying that, if you're not already an interesting
person with interesting information to share with your children, then
you'll have to make an effort to be more interesting. The way to do
that is to develop your own sense of curiosity, wonder, fascination,
and enthusiasm.
It might have to seem a little artificial, for a while, if it isn't
natural to a parent to just "be" this way.
BIG:
take them for a walk
BIGGER:
Same thing—when you go for a walk, don't be boring, be alert to
interesting things. Yesterday, my daughter and I were walking down
the street and there was a cat on the top of a car—all spread out,
sound asleep. It was a little chilly and one of us said, "That car
must be nice and warm, holding the heat from the day."
BIG:
take them to the car wash,
BIGGER:
"Where does all that soapy water go, I wonder?"
BIG:
cook with them
BIGGER:
Make it super easy fun stuff, not a "cooking lesson." Put peanut
butter on celery and then stick raisins on that and call it, "Ants on
a log."
BIG:
play with them, encourage questions, ask
questions yourself, enjoy their company, Get school out of your
head. That
was the biggest hurdle for me. Don't picture yourself in a teacher
role.
Just be their mom.
BIGGER:
Just be their really interesting mom—not their boring mom, though.
-Pam Sorooshian
-=-Sandra, ...could you please expand on your comment about the "work"
that an unschooling mom will do in learning about learning?-=-
When people start unschooling, it's often very tentatively. After a while, instead of telling stories of what they've heard other people did, they have stories of what their own kids have done, learned, seen, known.
That's one kind of learning.
Sometimes people start unschooling and they're doing more chattering than looking, and more asserting than questioning (not chattery questioning, but soul questioning). It's not as good a beginning, and at some point they do start really observing their children, and really thinking about the why and what of learning.
But any time a mom thinks there's nothing to know, I don't think she knows nearly enough.
When a mom thinks unschooling is doing nothing, she's not doing nearly enough.
If a mom thinks unschooling will take none of her time, she needs to spend a LOT of her time (more than those who knew it would be a life change) figuring out how to spend time to be with her child and what she can do, even when her child's not there, to help unschooling work better.
I cringe when I hear/read/see a mom thinking unschooling will take less effort and cost less than having children in public school. Anyone unschooling to save time and money is going the wrong direction. It might cost less in absolutely-required expenditure compared to buying a curriculum or paying private school tuition, and most unschoolers I know are content with plain or used or funky clothes (compared to school uniforms or required fashions and name brand things that might get stolen or lost at school). But if parents don't want to spend ANY money on games, toys, museums, out-of-town trips, books, whatever it is the kids might be interested in, then I think that's not the best the parents could do as unschoolers.
There's a basis, a foundation, on which confident, workable unschooling is built, and most of it involves confidence, and confidence can't come without examination of one's purpose, priorities and principles. It takes a while to figure those things out, and while they can be figured out at the same time unschooling is unfolding, and will probably continue to evolve (maybe even after the kids are grown), it's not "nothing" to do that.
Once someone was asking how many hours she should spend with her child, or something, and I said at least as many hours as she would've been in school, counting transportation, and there seemed to be some shock and surprise in the audience. So that made me want to say (I didn't, but should've) TWICE as much time as she would've spent in school. Because honestly, a child shouldn't lose the mom-time she would've had at night and on weekends, should she?
The shock probably came from someone who thought those hours would be teacher-style hours, of being stuck in one place doing something not too fun. That vision can only come from someone who hasn't looked into unschooling enough to know that the best unschooling hours are fun, natural, real activities. They needed to learn more about learning.
Sandra
Joyce Fetteroll, a response on helping people see principles regardless of their particular circumstances:
But I do think that it's hard for others, who have two parents in
the house, to understand how those who have to do things a bit
differently (single parents, a parent with a chronic illness,
etc.). We do the best we can.
As should everyone.
It's not a matter of not understanding. Obviously families with two
parents will give suggestions they're familiar with.
The principles work the same regardless. The principles of seeing
family money as money for the whole family is the same whether
there's $100 left after the rent is paid or $2. The principles of
giving 100% is the same whether you have 100% of your peak energy or,
as Diana said, 16%.
Just because there isn't money, that doesn't mean there aren't ways
to get things. Barter and trade have been around since before money
was invented. :-)
We try to help people see the principles. Examples of how we've
managed to implement the principles help most people understand the
principles better. But just because we can't give examples that you
can relate to doesn't mean the principles don't work or that there
isn't a solution. People who look at what they have and how they can
work with it find the way quicker (and are happier) than those who
look at what they don't have. That sounds harsh but it's true for
everyone, regardless of how fortunate someone feels someone else must
be. It's not easy! It's a *choice* to focus on the positive—a
choice one often needs to remember to make repeatedly—because the
alternative gets in the way of moving toward something better. Rather
than "No, that won't work," a more idea generating response is "How
have people found that to work on a limited budget?"
Joyce
[AlwaysLearning] Re: Can i be a good unschooling mom if....
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.
~Anais Nin
This came from the Quoteoftheweek@yahoogroups.com list.
Although she uses the word "courage," it's what is discussed on this
list sometimes about making life bigger, more sparkly, about living
in the world, about creating a good nest.
I think of it as confidence. They're similar. Confidence grows from
the inside, though, while courage can be reckless.
Marty Dodd, my middle child (who's 18 and so not much of a child
anymore) is living in a big world. I know that he's shy, and the
ways that he's shy, but he's also confident, and some of the
confidence comes from experience and feedback. Learning.
The feedback from school and in school is so very often discouraging
and negative. Even the "best students" keep being reminded that
every school has top students and the competition's fierce.
We were talking about javelina's yesterday, my sister-in-law-of-sorts
and Marty and me. Her grandfather had a javelina head mounted on the
wall in his den and the grandkids were afraid of the whole room. We
were talking about how small they are, and how scary, and I've never
seen on in the wild and hope never to. She's older and lives further
south and has seen some.
Javelinas are fierce.
Thoughts about going into the world and finding friends and jobs and
opportunities shouldn't be thought of as "fierce." That isn't
confidence building. Schools claim to expand kids' lives, but at
the same time they specialize in shrinking them. Kids who aren't
"good students," their lives start shrinking from the time they're
six or seven. They don't get courage or confidence.
So when you're thinking about what unschooling can bring into your
life, don't forget confidence, or courage. And do things to build
that, so your children's lives and worlds expand.
Sandra
(on Always Learning, November 1, 2007)
If you're thinking "what the heck is a javelina?" it's pronounced "Have a leena" and they're little wild pigs with tusks. Not good things to have in a nest, unless you're the mama javelina!
Parenting Peacefully ***
Tales of the "Aha!" moment when people "got" unschooling *** Actively Unschooling
Precisely How to Unschool
***
Definitions of Unschooling *** Stages of Unschooling
Substance—how all the parts we began with turned into something altogether whole and different
More of particular authors from above: Deb Lewis
, or
Pam Sorooshian
, or
Joyce Fetteroll
