Holly mentioned the other day that she's sorry so many parents want their kids to be diagnosed with problems so the parents don't have to learn to be better parents, and then the kids will act however they want to and say "Oh, I didn't take my meds today" as an excuse. (Holly was 16.)

Lydia had a girl on her cheerleading squad (who does take meds for her behavior, and yes Holly is correct she does use not taking them as an excuse for bad behavior) say she was feeling "crazy" today because she ate a candy bar. Lydia said she was just awful that day, pulling the girls hair, stepping on their feet, pinching, all in the name of a "joke". Using a candy bar as an excuse for bad behavior. This girl is almost 11.

We have had on going issues with this teammate, but it's been quite a learning experience for Lydia...and myself.

amy g

In a heated discussion on facebook one day, Jenny Cyphers wrote something very peaceful: "Our issue was SPD", [another participant] wrote that. At first I wondered what it stood for, then I was glad I didn't know. I get tired of people labeling their children. Every time I see it, it's the first thing that comes to mind in regards to that particular child. When I think of each of my children, I don't want those things to be what makes them a unique person.

There are all kinds of descriptors each of us could use for our kids. Choose the good ones, the ones that make them twinkle in our eyes. Even those ones don't fully describe a person. For a parent who has a synaesthesic child, don't let that be their full description. It's merely a part of how to describe that person, just as it would be to say that person has black hair and laughs a lot and knows how to paint beautiful water colors.

I get that there are things to describe our children that we are proud of and that they are proud of, but it does NOT change how to unschool. It doesn't change how to respect that child as an individual. It doesn't change how natural learning works.

I started seeing labels pop up, in regards to children way back when we started, but I only saw it in schooled families, now I see it in the unschooling circles and it saddens me that it's cropped up in the hearts and minds of people trying to do better for their children, educationally.

A day does not go by that at least 2 or 3 of my facebook unschooling friends writes about their (insert label here) child. Those are the ones who go on "hide" first. If that label of your child is so front and center in your eyes that it outshines all the rest of your child, where you aren't seeing your whole child and all their parts, that you must say so publicly, I can only imagine how that child will internalize that image of themselves. As if those are the terms to think about their very nature. It is the very definition of narrow minded thinking, or pigeonholing someone.

One of the reasons that I've continued unschooling is because I don't want to pigeonhole my kids. I don't want them lumped into a category. I want them to see endless possibilities and a wide range of abilities. The entire school system is designed to categorize children and then rate them based on those various categories.

Once out of that system, where is the need to do that?

In a discussion about a young child and Tourette's symptoms, and the little voices in our heads, I had written:

You don't want to become a tiny voice in your son's head shaming him for being ways he can't avoid. And even nicey-nice criticism or reminders can come back for 20, 30, 50 years as "something is wrong with you," in the little-voices gallery. [—Sandra Dodd]

Laura Endres responded:

And, as is the case with us *right now*, it can come back much sooner and quite unexpectedly.

Long story short our youngest son when he was between the ages of 3-5 exhibited some symptoms of what looked like Asperger's. I didn't even think that until a close friend gently suggested it. Back then, I sorta went through some denial and avoidance, and then became a bit fixated on it. I wasn't willy-nilly in talking about it with others, but I did explore what the suggestions were for kids with Asperger's, and I implemented some of them. We saw a naturopath, but we didn't seek a diagnosis or label. We made some dietary changes and I changed the way I interacted with him. I changed our expectations of how he'd navigate social situations, and I was more careful in where we'd go, when, and with whom. All those things helped.

But just the other day my oldest was telling his best friend about that, and he casually asked my husband, "What was it you thought Jonathan had?" Which led to Jonathan saying, "What do you mean I HAD something?" I wasn't there to help navigate that conversation. It was news to Jonathan that we'd ever considered something to be wrong with him. There've been several questions since - What kinds of things did I do? How long was I like that? What was it called again? What do you mean I couldn't go to some places? What would I do?

It's been very upsetting, and I regret that I let it consume us for a while. Alas, I cannot go back in time. Many of the things I learned about dealing with people who are very sensitive still serve me to this day. I never expect that a kid will (or will want to) talk to me, for example. I am very respectful of their space. BUT, even though it's been a long time (12 yrs) since that original period of worry and focus, it's affecting my son's self-esteem and view of himself NOW.

Laura