Since this comes up alot, I thought I'd throw this out there. About half an hour ago I headed outside to clean the van. The kids brought out scooters and bikes, and I asked Sarah to help me take the seats out. Other than that, I did all the shoveling LOL. Well, I asked Logan if he'd go get the vacuum for me and he said "Sure, as long as I can vacuum the van!" I ended up actually bringing out the vacuum cleaner (he got distracted) but as soon as he saw it he said "Ok, cool! I'm ready to vacuum!" and that's what he's busy doing right now. Gracie wanted to come inside for a minute so while we're inside I thought I'd set this out there as another example of how willing to help kids can be when they don't have to help!

Beth/Joyfullzoo

Sandra: I hope you don't mind I added it to this public collection: http://sandradodd.com/chore/tales

Beth: No, I don't mind! Thanks! He vacuumed til he was tired of it, then the girls took turns til they tired of it, and I finished the rest of it. No takers on wiping down the inside walls, but Megan did ask to wipe the windows!

A skeptical person, describing older stepsons who were not homeschooled in any way but whose behavior she ascribed to parental "hands off" wrote:

I do not want my kids turning out like this just because they never had to deal with consequences, never learned respect for elders or other people of position, never learned to take care of themselves, and become bums living at home their entire young adult life.

I know it's hard to believe that children will want to clean if you don't make them. Still, my 13yo son vacuums the basement playroom every Thursday, because he has friends over on Fridays, and he wants a clean floor for them to sit on for playing YuGiOh and video games. I admit, I was surprised the first time he hauled the vacuum out of the upstairs closet. I asked "what are you doing?" like a doofus. :) He's been vacuuming that floor every week for a couple years now because he likes it clean for his friends. I never "made" him vacuum that floor, or any other floor. He just likes it clean and knows how to get it that way.

It's know hard to believe that children will be respectful if they aren't prodded and reminded. Still, my 13yo son makes a point of shaking hands with his instructors after classes, and thanking them for the lesson. (currently, fencing and indoor "rock" climbing) I don't know where he got the idea to do that, frankly. I've noticed that the first time he does it with any individual, they're a little startled by it, but they seem to really appreciate it and look forward to it after that.

Deborah in IL

Each of my kids does different things at different times and to different extents and all of it is welcomed when it comes.

Recently, the girls have been into helping me cook. The other day, they chopped potatoes and onions (Em learned about chopping onions and plans on choosing potatoes next time! *g*), they've been scrambling their own eggs, making their own oatmeal (Em showed Sam how to do his), chopping and steaming vegetables and helping make pasta and rice. They certainly don't do this every time I cook, but I always welcome them when they ask. For a long time, they liked helping make pizza dough, cookies and bread, but then they got bored with that.

Just this weekend, I asked the girls to help me in their room, which had become *very* messy and completely un-navigable—pretty much everything in there was on the floor. I asked them to let me know when they were ready to tackle it. Jules decided she was ready at some point in the afternoon and came and got me, but Em didn't feel ready. I asked her if she felt like sitting on her bed and keeping us company, which she did. I did much of the work, which I usually do, but Jules helped a lot, which she usually does and Em ran a few errands here and there—taking cups to the sink and dirty clothes to the laundry. I ended up diving into lots of their bins and asking them to help me sort through stuff they no longer wanted. We also reworked their clothes baskets to create more room—really an all day affair.

At the end of the day, I asked them to do me the favor of keeping the floor cleaned up until tomorrow so I could run a vacuum. They asked why I didn't just run the vacuum now, so I told them I needed to get Sam's room cleaned up first and just didn't have the energy. They were fine with that, and we went about our evening—dinner, playing and finally curled up in our room to watch a movie and fall asleep.

As everyone else was falling asleep, Em, my nightowl, got up and cleaned and organized her brother's room (a much more straight-forward job than their room!). It was a gift to him and a gift to me—all freely given. I doubt she would have felt so generous if I'd made her clean her room with us earlier that day because it was *her* room, and I'm not sure she would have thought to do it if I hadn't been modeling that kind of generosity for her most of her life. Maybe she would have, I don't really know. But, I do know this is what happened in our home this past weekend, and I know that it's not an unusual thing to have happen. So, I figure we're doing something right.

~~Danielle
Emily (8), Julia (7), Sam (5)
http://www.danielleconger.com/Homeschool/Welcomehome.html

In the midst of all the discussion about chores and such, I mentioned that Julian never spontaneously notices that something needs to be done and does it.

Then this morning, as we were leaving the house to do errands and to have me drop him off at a friend's house, he was ahead of me a bit. I watched as he went over to the empty trash cans on the sidewalk and put them back next to the garage.

I told him I owed him an apology, and explained what I had said. He mentioned that he usually remembers to put dishes in the kitchen, etc. So he DOES do things spontaneously, and I need to notice more.

Kelly Lovejoy wrote:

Making it fun only works if you're making it fun for yourself. Making it fun *just* to get them to do it for you only makes them resent your stupid efforts! Like playing a game so they'll learn math. It needs to be real. Actually take pleasure in what you're doing. They'll catch it like a fever!

Yesterday was David's birthday and we had guests. I left dishes in the sink when I went to bed. I got up early with the dogs but then went back to bed. When I got up later Dylan had done the dishes. He said " I know you really like to do the dishes mom, so I hope you don't mind, but I just felt like doing them."

Dylan is twelve.

I *know* living life joyfully makes a difference in the way our kids see us and the way they see the little things that make life better.

Deb L

By Jenny Cyphers (Jenny) on Saturday, April 10, 2004 - 02:39 pm:
The way my 10yo dd helps is by putting away clothes that belong to her and putting dirty clothes in the laundry. I don't ask her to do it and I've only occasionally asked in the past. It as is simple as this: if she wants clean underwear or any cloths really, she knows they will get cleaned if they are put in the laundry basket. If she doesn't put them there, there is no guarantee that they will get clean when she wants them. I usually put her clothes all folded in a stack in her room next to her dresser with the intent to put them away. She just usually gets to them first.

As for the rest of the house, I do it all. Sometimes my dd will do things here and there when she sees a need. She has on many occasions vaccumed the carpets because she sits on them more than me and it bugs her when there are crumbs on them.

Here's an interesting insight: the kids in the neighborhood prefer to play hide and seek at our house because it is messier than other houses. They claim it makes it more fun! They also play here more in general because there are more things to do and play with and they aren't afraid to make messes because there is no one that makes a big deal of it here. Only sometimes do I have them all pitch in to help me clean up their messes. The bonus for me is that they do things like wash my car and sweep my floors because it is fun and I let them, not make them or tell them no.

By Bugsmom on Saturday, April 10, 2004 - 03:07 pm:
Yeah - this morning DS and I went to a birthday party. DH was using the time to move a video rack from the basement (including some serious cleaning!). We got home and while DH and I chatted a bit and ate (DS having eaten well at the party), DS up and put up the stacks of DVDs, VHS tapes, and video games that were sitting on the floor waiting to be put away. He enjoys being the "laundry forklift" and taking stacks of folded clothing to the proper locations.

The thing is, we have (mostly) avoided the nagging and harping - when we -ask- it is a question, just as when I ask DH if he would clean the toilets while I am outside picking up after the dogs. He can say yes or no or later. So, DS doesn't have to vamoose because he knows it won't be something coerced.

By Sandra Dodd (Sandradodd) on Saturday, April 10, 2004 - 11:09 pm:
Two examples from today:

I had given up waiting for Kirby to bring laundry down, but I knew he was out of socks, and I happened to be in his bathroom, so I gathered up all his black socks and t-shirts.

When they were dry, I just yelled upstairs and asked Kirby if he could help me do something when he got to a stopping place. He was there pretty soon,a nd I said I wanted help getting his stuff into his room.

We sat side by side and folded ten t-shirts and paired up seven pairs of socks. We talked about the night before and the plans for the day. It was really nice.

Later in the day I had the urge to clean behind the refrigerator. I was the only one in there, and I scooted it out, unplugged it, and Holly passed by. I said "You want to see something gross?"

Lots of dust. LOTS, greasy yucko dust-layer and regular back-of-fridge excitement.

She was doing other things in the kitchen while I was doing that, but ended up interested in a few bits. I asked if she would help me down from the chair when I wanted down (when I was cleaning the top).

She got interested in doing the other side of the top, and then the walls. She moved on to cabinet doors. I hadn't intended to do those, but she was having fun. So when the fridge was scooted back into its hole, I asked her if she'd be willing to do the ceiling fan if I'd hand her rags already set up with hot water and 409. Sure, she said. So we did.

That wasn't planned, and all I had asked for was help getting down from the chair, because I'm still spooked about falling.

Sorry it was so long, but I think the answer is be happy even if they don't help, and give it time.

Sandra

By Michelle on Sunday, April 11, 2004 - 01:31 pm:
Great information. Thank you to all. You all are such a great source of inspiration to us newbies!

By Jfetteroll (Jfetteroll) on Monday, April 12, 2004 - 05:40 am:
I also noticed that age helped too. When Kat was 11 she started helping voluntarily and now at 12 asks several times a day if she can do anything to help. Before that if I asked if she wanted to fold hand towels and sort socks she acted as though I's asked her to carry me up Mt. Everest. ;-) But I can see the ease with which she does them now and it really was hard for her before. There's been mental growth and going from not being able to do tasks around the house to being able to do them is like the leap from non-reading to reading.

Joyce

By Lyle (Lyle) on Monday, April 12, 2004 - 07:42 am:
I'm getting in on this late, but I agree with most everything that's been said.

Stop asking, stop expecting, and plan on doing most of the cleaning on your own for a while. Try not to complain about it (when the kids hear you complaining, they will figure there must be something to complain about, and that means whatever you're doing is not fun.), and do it as happily as you possibly can. You didn't have kids in order to have a fully staffed cleaning crew (I hope), so let them do their things and you do yours. They will get around to helping when they know that you're not going to harp on them about it anymore. It takes time.

I think Joyce is right about age. Doing things that are not fun, like folding laundry, are unpleasant enough for adults. Think about what it would be like to fold laundry when you didn't really know how, you have trouble with every single piece, and someone keeps piling more on the pile you're doing.

Try folding all the laundry with one hand, the wrong hand, and you can't use the other. Kinda frustrating. Maybe that's what it's like for a kid that is too young, and doesn't have the mental or physical dexterity to do the job effeciently.

Another thing I've wondered about with things like laundry is that some kids may view it as an adult job. And if so, how can it be fair to make a kid do a crummy, boring adult job, and at the same time tell that kid that he can't do most of the other fun "adult" stuff? You may tell him that he has to fold the laundry, but when he asks if he can go to the store by himself you say no because he's too young. To the kid, that may sound like, so I can do the crappy jobs, but I can't do the fun stuff. NOT FAIR!

Anyway, just do your best to not harp on the kids and take care of the cleaning when you get the chance. Your house may be messier for a while, so expect it. Living with the mess will be worth it after the first time one of your kids pitches in and helps without being told to.

It will take some time, but it's a really cool feeling when it happens.

:)

Lyle